Men are not the only ones who suffer through toxic female relationships. Unfortunately, neither are children. This is an article about toxic female to female relationships that I for one, found myself in near routinely up until about half a decade ago. It’s a learning curve really. Sometimes we grow up with interactions we deem as normal when in reality they are abusive, bordering on cult-like behaviors and treatment. I’ve made a list of five toxic female behaviors for you to consider. Mull it over in your mind and let me know what you think. My YouTube channel is Uppity Unicorn, please subscribe and keep in touch.
Afraid to Disagree
Do you feel forced to be of a single mind with your friend group? Are you in fear of having a divergent thought for fear of stirring the pot? Do you catch negative vibes anytime you are the voice of dissension or disagreement? Feeling forced to be a yes-man in order to keep yourself in the social clear? This is a glaring sign of being in a toxic relationship which is often associated with girl groups. Your friends are supposed to choose you for who you are, not what they design you to be. If compatibility exits the room because you’ve disagreed about a topic, get up and follow compatibility out of the door. That there is a shallow relationship that will do you more harm than good. Friends are the family you choose. You should feel safe being yourself with them. If rocking the boat will cause it to capsize, then here’s hoping you can swim.
Afraid to Say No
I remember saying no as a child to cousins who would say “yup, Imma remember that.” It could be no to a request for money or some other favor I was either incapable of, or otherwise wary of performing due to my upbringing. The tit for tat of planning to fail me when I needed them for turning out a no at their behest for obedience, made me feel burdened always to say yes. I never knew when I might need them to say yes. I was learning to negotiate my boundaries to accommodate someone else’s whim! I put myself in compromising positions and allowed myself to be manipulated all because I was threatened by their plotting to fail me. Not because of incapability, but for revenge. As an adult I can remember refusing to go on a road trip with a friend, she chose a day wherein I was fasting. Fasting and traveling does not mix, so much so that in the Islamic Religion, if a person is fasting in the lunar month of Ramadan, wherein fasting is obligatory upon every qualified capable person, they can stop fasting if they are traveling and make up the time at a later date. Fasting and traveling at the same time can lead to dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and fainting to name a few things. Anyhow, she was so upset that she could not drive in the carpool lane that we fell out. It was the first time I’d told her no in over a year. I was stunned. She blamed me for her road trip taking twice the time it would have had she been in the carpool lane because I technically had the power to do something about it but instead, I chose myself. Something she had no problem doing, whether it was cancelling on me or helping herself to my exes. If saying no can ruin a relationship, it was not worth prolonging to begin with. No is a beautiful word because it evokes and expresses boundaries. People who make themselves the enemy of you having boundaries are emotionally manipulative. The first lesson I taught my niece and nephews in life is that no means no. Whether they are saying no to an adult request for a hug or rejecting peer pressure. I teach them again and again that this is their sovereign right because it’s easier to rear strong children than to repair broken adults.
Afraid to Socialize as You Please
Afraid to go to a gathering because an associate of yours wasn’t invited? Afraid of what she might think, say, or do in response? Toxic. Sometimes we have co-workers and associates who we get on with but are not necessarily friends with.Yet and still they demand a level of loyalty that requires you not to make nice with people they avoid. They expect you to make enemies of people who have never harmed you. I am not wholly against “picking sides” as it were, but at the end of the day this should be an informed decision. I Have had people both in real life and on social media turn on me due to socializing with people they can’t make amends with. Oftentimes people project the weaknesses of their own character on to you. Perhaps they think you will backbite and expose their secrets with their enemy because it is something they would do in your position. While in reality you are a well balanced person who knows how to compartmentalize the details of people who dislike one another. I cannot move like family with anyone who has not earned it let alone a social media acquaintance I’ve never had a real life bond with. Sure I would have rather have had these women confront me with their fears of betrayal instead of automatically assuming it was coming down the pipeline, but the fact that they never did shows me that they never cared enough for my allegiance. If you fear socializing as you please for fear of retaliation you’re in a toxic female relationship period.
I disdain a chatty-patty gossip. I am totally predisposed to hating gossipy men and women. My nature will not allow me to alter this. People who will carry a bone to you, will carry a bone about you. People who expose you unnecessarily to the private affairs of others, will do the same to you in a matter of time. Brace yourself around these people. I do my best to excuse myself with a proper excuse when I am stuck with a gossip. When gossips play telephone the result is slander and defamation of character. Part of the reason why people keep detailed receipts of conversations is because it is hard to rely on people to regurgitate a story verbatim and within its context. Occasionally a friend will tell me about a struggle they are going through with their family that exposes me to someone else’s personal business, but this is hardly the same as sitting up on the phone or in a gathering laughing happily about the affairs of someone I have nothing to do with. Confiding in a person is one thing, gossiping is another. A gossip is an inherently toxic person.
Don’t be suspicious. Suspicious people lead themselves down a road of paranoia until they harm those who have never harmed them from suspicion alone. I watched a female principal destroy an entire private school in South Seattle, Washington because she thought a teacher was talking about her. She was suspicious of that instructor because a filthy gossip mongering parent of a student at that school went tale-bearing to and fro with rumors she could never confirm. It was a religious private school so they brought forth clergymen to get to the bottom of where the issue began. As it turned out, that sorry excuse for a female principal’s suspicions whirred out of control. Due to her position of power over the teacher, other parents and faculty begin to do her dirty work only to cost the school its most prized teacher and eventually the school itself. Yes, the school tanked, it closed. Why didn’t she just ask the teacher one on one if she had been speaking on her? Why when she had no proof of being plotted on, did she gang up on this teacher with other school affiliates only to ruin this woman’s life and the school she was the principal of? Being unduly suspicious is a nuisance that leads to destruction. This she-principal turned her allies into the “bad guys”. They had no idea they were in the wrong because a narcissist’s flying monkeys think they are helping a friend. As the staff and faculty began to apologize to this innocent kindergarten teacher, her marriage was in shambles over the gossip and her reputation in the city had been ruined. This teacher just so happens to be a dear person to me. To this day her life is altered due to the suspicion of someone who was able to use her position of power against her. Some people always fear someone is talking about them, plotting on them, and otherwise concerned with them when in reality they aren’t that important to the people they are so suspicious of. Don’t give yourself over to suspicion. Try to think the best of others. Deal with situations as they come because you can easily make yourself the villain by performing unjustified preemptive strikes.