Horn’s up!

I have been listening to Rupaul Music lately. The Drag-Goddess lightens my emotional load whenever I need her to. For much of my life I struggled with dangerously low self esteem, which means, processing the envy and jealousy of onlookers beguiled me. I could not see or even imagine why someone would be jealous of me because of the self assessment I had come to, which had everything to do with early childhood abuse.

Unbeknownst to me, this would be a theme throughout my adolescent and adult life. Not the low self esteem. Oh no. Sister put herself in therapy and did the work. I mean, the jealousy, the envy, the evil eye casting, the undermining of all my ambitions and aspirations by friends, family, foes, and other familiars.

I know it is a rare thing, but I myself do not have much experience with envy: hating on someone to the point where I hope they lose what they have and suffer. Which is different from jealousy. Jealousy does not have to be as much of a verb as envy does. I think of jealousy as an adjective that can be an adverb. Potentially. I understand feeling insecure in the shadow of the beauty or character of a better woman, but my attitude has always been to “admire and acquire” never to hate and decimate. I do not understand it.

I cannot develop violent feelings towards a person who has never harmed me. Can you count someone’s beauty, talent, character, assets, etc. as harming you? So much so that you feel justified in harming the person who reflects what you lack?

Oh fooey. I cannot. People do this to me regularly and I feel like such a victim (no victim shaming here). I feel totally targeted and attacked. These people want to offend you in hopes of seeing you strike back so that can satisfy themselves with a more valid reason to abuse you, other than you know, the fact that their man or friends, find you fascinating.

Why are you so mad? Try therapy, I did, and it’s great. Like my hair? Go buy it! Mad it’s natural? Ask me about my hair growth journey. Like my body? Go buy it! Mad it’s natural? Let’s go to the gym together! Get a trainer! Admire and acquire sis! Children are being trafficked and the police murdered Breonna Taylor in her home without being brought to justice! There is so much more in this world to save your angry feelings for. Allow me to redirect you to what actually matters!

In enough time, this body of mine, this hair… honey, it is going to be worm food in a grave, or ashes in an urn. Redirect yourself. Study a foreign language and show it off at a party, color your hair, go vegan, adopt an orphan, put that energy towards something constructive. Your hatred won’t make the adult version of me shrink for you. That was the gift that kept on giving when I was a child facing jealous adults and children. I played small for them all. Today, I only swell up in the attributes I am abused for. Reserving your hatred for me is like setting yourself on fire expecting me to feel the flame. You are fighting a losing battle against not only me, but yourself. Your efforts will of a surety come to naught.